Ask Meow: “Is My Cat a Spy?”
From time to time I answer reader questions. This is one of those times. Actually, it’s the first time. (Woohoo!!!) So here goes…..
[Hoists mailbag onto table. Rummages around in bag. Pulls out reader’s letter]. Just Kidding. Of course, all your questions come to meow via email.
*****
Dear Mr. ManCattan,
What in God’s name is my cat up doing all night? And why does he track my every move like an alien camcorder during the day? —Sara
Dear Sara,
Let’s just get down to business. You’re most likely grooming, feeding, and scooping the litter box of an undercover agent.
Maybe your timid tabby secretly works for the Cat Intelligence Agency. Or maybe your sassy Sphynx reports to the Feline Bureau of Investigation. How can I be so sure, you ask? Well, what else do you think I do with all my time? Just like a fly-on-the wall cat-on-the-sill, I spy with my little eye(s) all the time.
Now you might be thinking your sweet kitty is nothing but an adorable floof that gets you tons of likes and comments on Instagram. But stop fooling yourself. Have you never figured out why we’re so great at finding all the bugs in your apartment? Or sleep with one eye open—never letting you out of sight for very long? Once you start to pay close attention, you’ll soon recognize the work of an espionage expert whose main mission is to keep a very close, non-digital eye on you.
Cats are masters of disguise. Our skills of stealth and deception are unparalleled in the animal kingdom. We come with built-in night vision technology, have mastered the art of parkour, and even stake out the highest ground to carry out a deep-surveillance inspection of all your activities (and in my case, even my Dad’s expanding bald spot).
Most likely you’ve even told your friends how funny it is that your cat loves to sit on your laptop while you work. What you should be thinking instead is: “Why does he constantly try to intercept my emails?” “Has he figured out all my passwords by sitting on the keyboard and feeling which keys are still warm?”
Seriously, do you still trust that sweet secret agent?
Here’s an insider tip: if you suspect your cat’s a spy, look up its lineage. Why not check out 23andMeow? Simply send them a coughed-up furball with a cheque for $300, and they’ll tell you if your cat descends from a family of investigators.
But in the meantime, remember this: We’re always watching. We’re always listening. Strategically placed in your home, hiding our true motives, just like the way we hide in boxes tucked away inside your closet (which I think you’ll agree is very spy-like behavior).
So instead of worrying about Alexa or the microwave eavesdropping on your conversations, pay close attention to where your cat is. Chances are you’ll find him lurking on the windowsill or pretending to nap in a sunbeam in your living room. But stay alert. Be vigilant. And document any suspicious signs.
Because even when you think you're alone, you’re not.